the nature of Joy

After a difficult senior year at Michigan State, and a midst a tough transition to Tucson, I find myself contemplating the nature of joy. I find that many Christians (myself included) like to talk about joy: how we have joy in Christ, that the joy is ever present and never-ending, joy > happiness, etc. ish. But I wonder, what does it actually mean to have joy? Do we even understand what we are describing, or are we just throwing around memorized fragments of scripture haphazardly? What is the difference between joy and happiness? What does it mean to "Be joyful always"?

Sometimes I wonder if we think, subconsciously even, that having joy means feeling good all the time. I wonder if this is a barrier to sharing our struggles in Christian community. Do I worry that sharing my hardships might make others think that I'm not following Christ as well as I should be? Is the pain I feel a reflection of a weakness in my relationship with God?

Because if I have a healthy relationship with God, all my sorrows, worries, struggles, and pain should be taken care of, right? But it isn't that simple. More and more I find myself thinking that the place without pain is a bubble of ignorance I've created for myself. It just isn't real.

When I am at a conference seminar, learning about the methods of torture and how survivors are affected, is that honestly something I should experience without pain? What does "be joyful always" mean in that situation? I certainly cannot describe my feelings as happy, and sharing my feelings with God does not make them hurt less. It helps that they are known, but it does not end the pain. How could it when I know that the torture continues, and that even those who are now removed from that danger still suffer from the effects of their experience?

A couple weeks ago I read a blog posted by my friend Amy Beth, who is a YAV (Young Adult Volunteer) that I met through my coworker Heather (who is also a YAV.) It talked about her thoughts regarding an article she read about a study that found that meaning and happiness were not generally positively correlated in peoples' lives--that is, the people who were happier said their lives were less meaningful, and vice verses. She went on to talk about how that has been reflected in her own life as she works as a YAV in Tucson. This post spoke to my heart because I could relate to it so deeply.

I have frequently found myself thinking, I am not happy. While many factors play into this, one part of the equation is simply this: what I am doing is hard. And I knew it would be hard...but it is hard in ways I never could have anticipated.

It is hard because I search for meaning and I search for truth. The common phrase, "The truth hurts," never resonated with me much until I thought of it in terms of the realities of the world. Someone asked me recently, "Doesn't it weigh on you, hearing these stories of people who have been through such trauma? How do you deal with that? How do you balance it while dealing with the challenges in your own life?"

Of course it weighs on me. But I would not change what I am doing for anything. It weighs on me, but it is the truth. It is real. This is someone's story, and it is valuable and important and it has a right to be told. The story, the truth, should be known, and we should be willing to acknowledge it. I have more thoughts regarding this idea, but for now I will return to my reflections on joy.

I recently came across a journal entry recording a conversation I had with one of my dearest college friends, Joy. This happened during our sophomore year, near spring semester finals, while we were alone in the Shaw basement at 5am. (And yes, I realize how humorous it is that I am mentioning my friend Joy in my post about joy.)

• Me:I'm worried about my future.

• Joy:Oh my gosh, Stephanie, don't be worried about your future! You have a wonderful future! You're going to meet people and love them and have fun with them and lead people to God and do ministry and glorify God! (something to this effect, but longer and more Joy-ish)

• Me:Awwww...that's so beautiful. You're right.

• -pause-

• Me:Except I wasn't so much worried about the future future...it was more like the next 24 hours.

• Joy:Ohhhhh. Don't think about that. Think long-term. Jesus.

• Me:Jesus.

• Both: (nodding)Yeahhhh.

Maybe this is a picture of joy. It is not so much the immediate future, fraught with stresses, trials and pain--but the far off future, in which we know that we will be eternally with God and able to see the meaningful parts of our lives. I think joy is long term. It is like hope in that it is believing, even when you feel surrounded by darkness, that God is still good, and that your life has meaning. It is in feeling the pain of the world's realities and still praising God, in knowing that "every tear will be wiped from our eyes."

This is only one piece of my perspective on joy, and I know I could say so much more about the many things I've mentioned in this post. But for now, I will recognize that my feelings and emotions are valid whether or not they are "positive," and that I can find joy in my hope for the future, which is my hope in Christ.