when I don't feel enough

Though I've been planning to come to Taiwan for over a year, it didn't feel real until I reached the gate for my flight to Taipei. Among the many feelings we experience during major changes, I think this is a typical one, particularly when we don't know what to expect.

Stress levels were high when I first arrived. Should I take a bus or a taxi to my hotel? How would I go about doing that? Would there be a place for me to put my luggage at the hotel since it was too early for check-in? What would I do during the 8 hours before my check-in time?

How do I use the metro system? How does the bus system work? (Still haven't figured that one out, to be honest)

How do I finish the paperwork needed after arrival? Where do I go and what do I need to bring? How do I open the post office savings account? What do I do if I don't have a name stamp?

What's expected of me when I come into a store or restaurant? What if I accidentally offend someone through some cultural unknown?
And the list goes on.

I try to avoid letting potential stressors pile up by continually reminding myself, one step at a time. I focus on the challenge immediately at hand rather than thinking about the next 10 things I'll need to figure out.

Despite that strategy, my first few days here were very difficult. It's daunting to face so many unknowns at once. I dearly wanted to return to somewhere familiar, somewhere comfortable, somewhere I understood. I'm someone who gets anxious about navigating a new city in English, in the US. So what made me think I can do it in another language, another country?

Whenever this thought comes up, I try to dismiss it, reminding myself that people do this every day, all over the world, and I can do it, too. It might not be easy or quick, but I will figure it out.

Typically, when I'm in a place I don't know well, my go-to tactic is to try to blend in by acting like I know exactly where I'm going and exactly what I'm doing. Yet when that inclination surfaces here, I think...It's obvious to everyone that I'm not from around here. It's clearly no secret.

It's a vulnerable feeling when I'm trying to figure something out, like when I try to find an address but I don't understand the lanes and alleys. It's an embarrassing feeling at times, like when I went into a cell phone store and walked up to the counter without realizing I needed to take a number first.

Though I'm getting more comfortable, it's often still stressful and it can be frustrating. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and ill-prepared, like I jumped out of the airplane without checking my parachute first. I don't feel strong enough to do this. I don't feel brave enough, outgoing enough, anything enough. But I tell myself that I can do it and I have been doing it. I remind myself that I am growing, and learning, and if I am disappointed in today, I can try again tomorrow. I remember that I am building my life on doing things I once didn't believe myself capable of.

Because I hope and believe this experience could make me a better person, and despite the challenges there is truly no place I'd rather be.